I wanted to hop on here yesterday and overshare the whirlwind that was my brain. I am almost glad that i waited until now as some of you may have been concerned for my sanity. I mean this with humor, in all seriousness when in doubt assume i am being sarcastic. Sarcasm and morbid humor are my go to means for coping in most situations.
Let's take a few steps back to Friday afternoon after i grew large enough lady balls to share with the world my diagnosis and actually ask for help. The overwhelming love and support that i have felt is nothing short of amazing. I truly do not have words to adequately describe the gratitude i feel. I spent the remainder of the day Friday talking to my family, friends, and loved ones answering questions and relaying next steps. To say i was exhausted mentally and physically is an understatement. Truthfully i do not recall ever being so mentally and physically drained on a daily basis. I have to give credit where credit is due, Tyler has been everything i could hope for and more throughout this process. This man has stepped up in ways that are unimaginable and still wants to do more. I am incredibly lucky to have someone that loves me as unconditionally as he does. Tyler will tell you he is the lucky one.... well that may be true too! "Wink!"
As exhausted as i was Friday night i did not fall asleep until well after 1am falling down rabbit holes on the internet researching various things that would make most people's head spin. I was up early (6am) and could not sleep. Exhausted i forced myself to lay back down at 9am for a nap resulting in me starting my day at 11am. Anyone that knows me, will understand that this was incredibly anxiety inducing for me. I feel this immense pressure to live every second to the fullest while i am still feeling well, and to top it off the weather Saturday was GORGEOUS. It is hard to describe the disappointment i felt in myself for wasting so much of the day and not having plans. I just feel so out of sorts.
This is where i have to express how grateful i am for my friend who graciously invited me to an afternoon in the sun with her family by the pool. I agonized over whether or not to go because every orifice of my body felt so drained, sometimes you have to fight yourself to do what is best for you if that makes sense. Staying home on the couch feeling sorry for myself was a much easier option in that moment. I always dread plans right up until i arrive and then i am happy i did so and enjoy myself. These ladies helped me set my head on straight for the day, after leaving i was motivated to continue the trend of just simply living. Tyler and i decided to go to the drive in that night for the 1st time this season. I was actually thrilled to be there and found myself momentarily distracted from reality. I say momentarily because several times while watching the movies i found myself drowning in anxiety over the fear and worry i had suppressed all day. It was almost like a cup that got too full and was spilling over the edges.
I have moments were reality hits me so hard that the blow is almost too much to handle, i have never been in a situation where i truly had genuine all consuming fear for my own well being. The ride home from the drive in at 2am was absolutely horrible, i struggle to describe the feeling other than fear so intense i was on the verge of vomiting. We got home and here i was at 2:30 in the morning gagging while trying to get ready for bed fighting an anxiety attack.
Again despite my exhaustion i was awake until well after 3am and up early with the sun. My brain was swirling with all of the things that i could think of that i need to accomplish before i start treatment. I also received an email that a new document was available in regards to my STD claim so naturally instead of sleeping i am at my computer at the crack of dawn anxiety ridden logging into my benefits portal anticipating bad news. I decided that grooming the dogs needed to happen as this takes hours and is very labor intensive, fast forward several hours and the dogs were bathed, brushed, trimmed, floofed and poofed. I on the other hand was a sweaty, hairy, exhausted mess and my Sunday was more than half over!
After washing up, i sat on my deck enjoying the weather and relaxation. I was feeling extremely anxious about addressing questions i had about my job security, company car, and other details with work the next morning. I am the queen of overthinking things that i cannot control in the moment, so naturally this is what i was doing. We went to bed early (just after 10pm) and i was asleep within minutes. I bet you know who was wide awake this morning at 4am, absolutely exhausted but unable to sleep.
I begrudgingly tried to force myself to get more sleep and laid there largely awake for hours. I knew that on top work that i would begin receiving phone calls for numerous appointments, I managed to complete two audits before my phone rang for the 1st time from the cancer center asking me to try and get to the walk in lab for blood work asap today. Instantly my anxiety was through the roof, something as simple as blood work has me at an 11 out of 10. To say i hate this about myself is an understatement! Immediately my ability to be productive was lost, i sent my friend a message who immediately drove to meet me at the hospital and keep my mind distracted while in the waiting room. Every time the door opened my stomach would clench in anxiety, i wish i was making this up. I am the worst possible candidate for my diagnosis, the simple thought of a needle makes me want to pass out.
Long story short i survived having many tubes of blood taken without anything notable happening, besides the sheer panic raging in my brain! My ability to hide the level of anxiety i was feeling is nothing short of amazing to be frank. I ran a few errands while i was out and went home. The slew of phone calls began for upcoming appointments and paperwork that needed to be addressed. I received a relatively stress relieving email from work in regards to the safety of my job, however moments later i found out i could potentially be loosing my company car so now i also needed to worry about a vehicle to get to and from treatments on top of financially surviving and fighting for my life. It is like cancer was blowing through my life and taking its pick of everything it wanted to take away. Praying and hoping that things work out for the best.
It is so funny how life works sometimes, i have spent a lot of time trying to figure out the bigger picture here but i have yet to come up with anything. I had planned on staying in this afternoon and doing a little self care in the form of a new mani and pedi, but per usual i was anxious and needed to get out of the house. I ended up at my parents house for a quick visit before the exhaustion of my day caught up with me and i was ready to go home. I followed dad so that he could drop off his truck at the garage and went home. The sun was peaking through the clouds when i pulled into my driveway so i sat on the steps for a few minutes to decompress. My heart was hurting at a level that words cannot describe. Seeing people i care about with my entire heart suffering so greatly because of my diagnosis is agonizing, I have watched loved ones age before my eyes from stress and fear. I hate being the source of others pain, i am so accustomed to being the person fixing and taking away other problems not the one causing them. Just simply put, my heart hurts. Less for myself and more for others.
Tonight a gofundme was created for me, and despite desperately needing the financial aid my stomach has been in knots being so publicly vulnerable for the 1st time in my life. My brain going to every worse case scenario, trust me there were many. This brain of mine is a pretty amazing thing, see.. sarcasm. I have had to drop years of walls, swallow the embarrassment of asking for help and place my trust in prayer. You would not think that asking for help for something as serious as cancer would be so stress and shame inducing but i guess i am just a special breed of person. I am hardwired to figure out solutions for myself, to always be ahead, and fixing not only my own problems but everyone elses. Now i find myself feeling utterly helpless and frustrated that i cannot find the fix all button. I am beyond grateful for every kind word, penny, and care item that i have received. My heart is bursting from it. I look forward to a future when i can pay all of the kindness i have received forward. I am sitting here tonight reflecting, and preparing myself for the next day of audits, phone calls and appointments ahead. Despite all, i still have much to be thankful for.
If you would like to continue to follow my blog or read more about my diagnosis please save my linktree https://linktr.ee/megmadore i will update links as more information comes to light.
Keeping Faith,
Meg
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