I want to start by extending my apologies as this post is meant to be a quick recap in order to bring us to present information where i will be able to take the time to truly detail events and share with you each part of my journey.
To start, i first truly recognized i had developed an extremely noticeable lump in the upper left quadrant of my left breast on Tuesday May 10th while at the tanning salon. I know that i had vaguely maybe noticed the lump days prior but the alarm bells ignited in my brain at that moment while applying suntan lotion to my body. I remember intuition telling me to get this checked right away, i felt blind overwhelming fear and fought tears throughout my entire tanning session.
The remainder of the day into the next i agonized over whether to make a doctors appointment, i consulted with friends and family looking for their advice. Many stated lumps were very common in young women, that they often come and go and are nothing to worry about. Despite the reassuring advice something in the back of my mind was telling me it was more. I called my doctors' office on Thursday May 12th and was able to get an appointment the next day. The appointment itself was fairly uneventful, my doctor felt the lump was likely a cyst but felt it was worth providing a referral for a full diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound.
The wait for the call from the hospital to schedule the scans seemingly lasted forever, i laugh even now because the waiting game had only just begun. While i waited for my scan i was also battling the one year anniversary of my best friend's death. Trying to navigate a loss i never fathomed happened has been an extreme struggle for me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I had dug down and committed to my health in honor of my best friend. I kept telling myself since her death that the best thing i could do in her honor was take care of myself and be happy and healthy. I mention this because on May 23rd i went to see a medium to connect with Racheal, inadvertently (long story short) i left the reading fully believing i had a cyst. The sense of euphoria and relief i felt is indescribable. I maintained complete peace of mind until the day of my scans on Friday May 27th.
Fast forward to the day of my scan: I picked up my dad who had offered to keep me company in the waiting room and went to the hospital. I remember getting called in right away. I had the diagnostic mammogram done, but was told the doctor had requested more detailed images. We took a 2nd round of images with the photos magnified. I remember my anxiety ramping up, i had been told that an ultrasound would only be needed if the doctor felt the mammogram looked suspicious. Imagine how my stomach dropped when i was told i needed an ultrasound. The ultrasound itself was easy enough, until the doctor came in with concern clearly reflecting on his face. I was told that they had found something concerning and i needed a biopsy right away. I was barely able to say thank you to the doctor through my tears. The look on my dad's face when i came out and told him hurt my heart, it felt like i had already received the cancer diagnosis.
I had to wait over the long holiday weekend for a call from the breast center to schedule my biopsy, that weekend i unknowingly opened my results from the scan in the patient portal. The verbiage was terrifying and stated my scans were highly suggestive of cancer. My biopsy ended up being scheduled on June 9th, the process was an awful experience for me as i was on the verge of an anxiety attack and wanted to pass out twice. The waiting game continued. On Monday June 13th i received the soul crushing phone call.
I was told i had two types of cancer, pre-invasive (DCIS) that had penetrated the membrane and became Invasive Mammary Carcinoma. At this point we were still waiting on results for several factors such as if my cancer was positive for estrogen, progesterone, or NE2 receptors and how fast the cells were replicating. Tyler and i sat on the couch listening to the results in tears, i could not process any of what i was hearing. It took a 2nd call later to understand what my results meant and what to expect moving forward. The phone calls to family were heartbreaking to make, the guilt and worry for them that i felt was overwhelming. Per usual i was worrying about everyone around me instead of myself. My dad's birthday was days away, fathers day, you name it i felt awful as if i could have done something to prevent this from happening.
It was two days later that i received a call from the cancer center with my remaining results. I found out that my cancer was triple negative and my cancer cells were replicating at 80%. Normal cancer cells typically replicate at about 20%. Triple negative cancer is rare, aggressive, and harder to treat. I was told if i wanted to have children to consider freezing eggs (the cost was out of the question) so the choice of pregnancy was also being taken away from me. I was told i would undoubtedly have to endure chemo, surgeries, and radiation. I also found out that i would need genetic testing to determine if i carry a gene mutation that will make me up to 80% more likely to have repeat cancer later in life. It was not until that night that i read about triple negative breast cancer and what that meant for me. This was the first time i actually felt scared for ME instead of worrying about everyone i care about. I started to go through the why me thoughts and fixated on everything being taken away from me, my wedding in 5 weeks, my hair, my breasts, children, financial stability, my life & health. The emotional toll was an exhausting roller coaster, fear, sadness, anger, it took everything in me to continuously share updates with those that are close to me.
During this time i was still trying to work and maintain sanity, it was nearly impossible to hold myself together. All the questions and worry about surviving financially and physically while i am potentially out of work for months after finding out my STD through work was not enough to survive on without even considering Tyler missing work, my medical bills, and extra needs and expenses for travel and appointments. The agony of fighting myself to ask for help, i have always been the fixer of the family helping everyone around me. To say a cancer diagnosis (especially at 30) is humbling in every way is an understatement, everything you thought was important becomes unimportant. Your entire world turns upside down, things as simple as sleep are no longer possible.
On Friday June 17th (my dads birthday) i met with my surgeon to talk about potential surgery options. I was examined and my surgeon was concerned about lymph-nodes she could feel. I had an ultrasound completed where two of my lymph-nodes were examined but deemed to still look healthy and functional so no biopsy was ordered. If my cancer has started to spread it would spread into my lymph-nodes first. Although not a guarantee this was the 1st bit of good news i had received to date. No surgery decisions were made as i still needed results from genetic testing and to meet with my medical and radial oncologists on Friday June 24th. I was given a referral for genetic counseling and went to my parents house to celebrate my dad's birthday.
That Sunday (fathers day) i remember feeling angry at the world, i was dreading facing family to talk about my diagnosis more, i was dreading asking for help and had no idea how. One thing that i had been researching for the last week was ways to try and keep my hair through chemo. I had found something called cold caps, that are known to save up to 70% of women's hair. For me this was a small saving grace and tiny light at the end of the tunnel if i could gain back a tiny bit of control and feel more like myself and less like a cancer patient it was worth it to me. Unfortunately the financial cost of cold capping is in the thousands along with the process itself being quite miserable to endure. But still the importance of keeping my hair was worth it all to me to try and find a way to pay for the cold cap. It was really difficult to face some family members who felt it was a waste of money. To me this was priceless.
One Wednesday June 22nd i met with a genetic counselor and learned about some of the gene mutations i may test positive for and what this would mean for me. We drew blood and put a rush on the results (1-2 week wait). These results weigh largely on if i can have a lesser surgery -lumpectomy or if i will need a more extreme surgery such as double mastectomy and hysterectomy to try and prevent repeat cancer.
I meet with my two oncologists tomorrow for the 1st time to answer many of the remaining questions that i have. What my treatment plan will look like and how long i may be out of work. My cancer has not been staged yet as all of the factors in staging cancer have not been confirmed. The anxiety and fear of the unknown is consuming me. It has been an agonizing two weeks trying to function normally while waiting for life changing answers. I have been waiting to share publicly until now so that i could better answer the questions that i know everyone will have.
I have spent days listening to those close to me tell me that it is okay to ask for help and that the last thing i should have to worry about right now is paying my mortgage. This is me asking for help, making myself vulnerable in ways i never fathomed i ever would, and sharing my bare bones battle with cancer. Know i love and appreciate every prayer, message, and assistance no matter what it is. Even I'm thinking of you matters, when so little else seems to anymore.
If you would like to follow my journey, learn more about my diagnosis or help support me please follow my linktree https://linktr.ee/megmadore
I am keeping faith
-Meg
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